update

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Had a good Christmas.  Ended up having to make a trip home to get some meds.  I was getting very nauseous so went to get my anti-nausea meds.  Turns out my nephew got nauseous also (he has leukemia) so he was able to take some of my meds rather than having to go home after his.

The rest of the night went pretty well.

On Christmas day we always go to my sister and her families.  However, I ended up with a migraine.  It seems my migraines are back in full force.  I had to cancel my neurologist appointment, so I need to reschedule.  I know they wanted a 2 round commitment for the Botox.  I am very reluctant since the first round made things worse.

I am looking into the daith piercing, it is supposed to really help with the migraines.  It is a piercing that acts like a permanent acupuncture.  I need to find out if I need to go to some sort of specialist or just a regular piercing parlor.  Also, need to find out how much it costs.  I have read that the initial piercing/healing really hurts.  But if it can get rid of the migraines I am game.

 

 

Stiches out

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Okay, so I got my stitches out today.  My arm still itches like the dickens.  I know that is a sign of healing

Went grocery and Christmas shopping today.  I have almost completed my shopping.  I just need to pick up something for my brother-in-law.  That will just be a quick stop.

The stores were very busy.  I had a lot of anxiety.  But, I survived.  I also made it through my psychiatrist and my doctors appointments.  Now the huge hurdle will be my therapist appointment on Tuesday.  Then of course Christmas Eve and Christmas.  Is it terrible that I don’t really want to go there?

Nervous

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I am very nervous.  Tomorrow holds a lot of anxiety.  I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.  This is the first appointment since my latest attempt.  Actually, come to think of it, it is the first appointment since both attempts.  I am trying to calm myself.  So much anxiety has made me sick to my stomach.  I am thinking about asking a family member to go in with me.

I also have an appointment with my regular doctor to have my stitches removed.  I am not looking forward to that appointment either.  My stitches were put in by the doctor in the ER.  Since my regular doctor is part of a different network all the doctor knows is that I need stitches removed.

Next week I have an appointment with my counselor.  Again this is the first appointment since both attempts.  Well, actually I saw her the day of the first attempt.  She is the one that sent me to the ER.  I am very nervous.  I feel that I have really let her down.  I really like this counselor and hate the position I have put her in.

This time I was put in a facility that has only been open for a couple of weeks.  I was hoping that maybe I would get some better “tools” to use.  This facility did nothing but stress me out more.  Although they had a schedule that kept us busy constantly, the groups were very unorganized each therapist would come in and ask the same question as the previous therapist.  When we told them we already answered that, they would then have to scramble to come up with a new question.  As far as tools to take home and help us with dealing with future problems, they didn’t teach anything.

The facility did have smoke breaks or fresh air.  This is a very rare thing nowadays.  Although I do not smoke, I think this is a great thing to have.  Most places will just give people a nicotine patch.  It is cruel to take away someone’s big coping skill when they are currently at their worst.  Plus I liked being able to go outside for fresh air.  We also were able to get fresh air during our rec time.

This facility was extremely restricted.  We weren’t allowed to have anything, accept our clothes once they were approved.  We couldn’t even have a pencil except for a golf size pencil.  Even then we were only allowed to have this for us to write down what they wanted us to.  After that they would promptly collect and count the pencils.  As soon as we were done showering they would remove any  hygiene products from our rooms.  We couldn’t even have a hand towel to dry our hands after washing them.  I pretty much constantly had a wet shirt tail.  I found the place to be very cold (and I tend to run hot).  We were not even allowed to have an extra blanket (that would not be safe).  So most everyone was constantly cold.  It was a constant fight to get all of the meds that were prescribed.  It took me at least 3 days to get most of my meds.  After my 8 days there, I still was not getting all of them.  Yet, one of the nurses there came into one of the groups to tell us how important it is to never abruptly stop any meds. I was literally vomiting, in front of the doctor, and a lot of that was withdrawal from one of my meds that I had not received in 2 days.  The doctor told me he would have the nurses give me some anti-nausea medicine.  This still took close to 8 hours.  I kept asking.  It wasn’t until I refused to eat dinner (my 3rd skipped meal) until I got it.

I could go on and on, but, I reckon you have the jest of it.  I filled out comment cards while I was there.  I also used the and all of the back of the survey card they gave me before I left.

I guess I should see if I can get some sleep before I have to go to my appointments tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

Tired

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Okay so I was gone the last couple weeks because I decided it was a good idea to take a third of a bottle of pills and slice my wrist.  There were 2 major problems with that scenario.  Number 1: I just grabbed the first bottle I got (Gabapenten), it turns out that it is nearly impossible to OD on them.  The second flaw: I had allowed a mental health professional to talk me in to getting rid of all of my blades.  So what I had left were my kitchen knifes.  You know the ones that are advertised to cut through everything.  Well they need to put a disclaimer that they do not cut through wrists!

Needless to say after a day in the ER being monitored for any affects from the OD I then spent a couple of weeks in the mental unit.  It was a stress free Thanksgiving.  I was surprised that there wasn’t anything for Thanksgiving.

I am still pretty tired.  I usually do not sleep more than like 5 hours a night in the hospital.  So, I tend to come home very tired.

Now I am getting statements saying that Medicare is denying claims from the hospital.  Not sure what will be done about that.

Back

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Well, it has been a couple of weeks since  I have posted.  I am wore out right now, so I am going to keep it short and sweet.  I have been away from my computer.  Now I am back.  Will write more at a later time.

Struggling

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Today I have been really struggling.  I don’t know why.  I’ve been having the kind of anxiety that feels constricting in the chest.  I have a headache again today.  I am trying not to worry about that.  I am just feeling overall down.  I made it a point to go out and get some fresh air.

I am so tired of feeling like this.  I just wonder what it would be like to feel normal.  I do not believe that I have had one day of feeling “normal”.  I have never felt like I fit in.  Yeah sure I have had “friends” but I still never felt like I was a part.  I have my best friend that lives in a different state and we write letters (yes, hand written) back and forth.  We went a year without writing due to some circumstances, like moving around.  I was okay with that.

Since my brain broke a few years ago, I just feel stupid and don’t understand a lot of what she posts on FB.

At least my blood sugar seemed a little bit better today.  Ate the same as yesterday except just had the left over broccoli for dinner (unmotivated to cook).  I did have some oatmeal with peanut butter (instead of sugar) not bad.  About a half an hour ago.  Hopefully that protein will sustain through the night.  I really want to get my numbers back down.  My theory is that once the numbers finally come down then what I am eating will be able to keep them.  They just have to come down first.  Today they were down to mid to low 200’s

I’m sorry I will quit whining now.  I am sorry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Motivated

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Actually making dinner tonight.  Haven’t done that very often lately.  BBQ chicken grilling (the indoor grill) one slight hiccup.  I had the grill all heated and went to put the chicken on it to find I had the plates opposite of what I wanted (flat side up).  Steamed broccoli and a very small baked potato with butter and sour cream.

I did good for lunch also.  Made a salad with romaine, yellow squash, carrots, tomato, cucumber, sunflower seeds and horseradish mustard dressing.

Protein bar for breakfast.

Still my blood sugars have been in the high 200’s, that is with the added Metformin.  That is discouraging.

I have also had a headache that started last night.  Could contribute to the high bs numbers.  I am trying not to freak out and jump to conclusions that my headaches are coming back.  Everyone gets headaches once and a while.

Doctors appointments

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So, I had my appointments today.

We decided to try and combat the higher blood sugars by adding metformin.

Also, we decided to go ahead and just keep the lithium at the lower dosage for now.

We’ll give it a month and see how that goes, for the lithium anyway.

I just couldn’t keep my eyes open for most of the day, in the car(don’t worry, I don’t drive) or once I got home.

Tidbit of today

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I do not like microfiber towels.  I cannot stand the feel of microfiber towels, especially the way they stick to my hands.  It just totally, I can’t even explain it.  If I have to use one, I will usually get a plastic sack or something similar to hold onto it with.

On that subject I also to not like gloves.  I have gotten to be somewhat tolerant about breathable winter type gloves.  But I can’t where like dish gloves.  In fact while during a particularly bad episode, right before or in between hospitalizations.  I guess I had a total meltdown at work because they had decided that my product line now needed to wear the medical type gloves.  Had I been in my right mind I was usually able to convince them to let me “hold” the glove and touch the product that way.  But since I was not in my right mind.  I had a complete meltdown and ended up in the hospital.

Off topic:

Is it just me or did the format or whatever for this site change.  I could just be imagining it looking different (it happens)

Thanks for reading