I am very nervous. Tomorrow holds a lot of anxiety. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. This is the first appointment since my latest attempt. Actually, come to think of it, it is the first appointment since both attempts. I am trying to calm myself. So much anxiety has made me sick to my stomach. I am thinking about asking a family member to go in with me.
I also have an appointment with my regular doctor to have my stitches removed. I am not looking forward to that appointment either. My stitches were put in by the doctor in the ER. Since my regular doctor is part of a different network all the doctor knows is that I need stitches removed.
Next week I have an appointment with my counselor. Again this is the first appointment since both attempts. Well, actually I saw her the day of the first attempt. She is the one that sent me to the ER. I am very nervous. I feel that I have really let her down. I really like this counselor and hate the position I have put her in.
This time I was put in a facility that has only been open for a couple of weeks. I was hoping that maybe I would get some better “tools” to use. This facility did nothing but stress me out more. Although they had a schedule that kept us busy constantly, the groups were very unorganized each therapist would come in and ask the same question as the previous therapist. When we told them we already answered that, they would then have to scramble to come up with a new question. As far as tools to take home and help us with dealing with future problems, they didn’t teach anything.
The facility did have smoke breaks or fresh air. This is a very rare thing nowadays. Although I do not smoke, I think this is a great thing to have. Most places will just give people a nicotine patch. It is cruel to take away someone’s big coping skill when they are currently at their worst. Plus I liked being able to go outside for fresh air. We also were able to get fresh air during our rec time.
This facility was extremely restricted. We weren’t allowed to have anything, accept our clothes once they were approved. We couldn’t even have a pencil except for a golf size pencil. Even then we were only allowed to have this for us to write down what they wanted us to. After that they would promptly collect and count the pencils. As soon as we were done showering they would remove any hygiene products from our rooms. We couldn’t even have a hand towel to dry our hands after washing them. I pretty much constantly had a wet shirt tail. I found the place to be very cold (and I tend to run hot). We were not even allowed to have an extra blanket (that would not be safe). So most everyone was constantly cold. It was a constant fight to get all of the meds that were prescribed. It took me at least 3 days to get most of my meds. After my 8 days there, I still was not getting all of them. Yet, one of the nurses there came into one of the groups to tell us how important it is to never abruptly stop any meds. I was literally vomiting, in front of the doctor, and a lot of that was withdrawal from one of my meds that I had not received in 2 days. The doctor told me he would have the nurses give me some anti-nausea medicine. This still took close to 8 hours. I kept asking. It wasn’t until I refused to eat dinner (my 3rd skipped meal) until I got it.
I could go on and on, but, I reckon you have the jest of it. I filled out comment cards while I was there. I also used the and all of the back of the survey card they gave me before I left.
I guess I should see if I can get some sleep before I have to go to my appointments tomorrow.
internallyconflictedme 